You've received a message or a flirt. How quickly does that initial thrill shift to a sense of foreboding; what on earth should I write?

• Build upon what's in their profile
• Ask questions as much as giving information
• Keep it clean and hold back 'til you meet
• Saying no is important and can be gentle!

Build upon what's already there

Probably the best place to start is with the other person's profile. What are they into? What did they say to you in their message? Perhaps talk about the things you can relate to, maybe a sport or a TV show, or a particular experience you share - such as a holiday destination. One approach that many find easy at the outset is to simply ask questions in your message; you would like to know more! Not only does this take some of the pressure off you, it will probably leave the other person feeling good in that you will appear genuinely interested.

Now, this last tactic is especially important if there was little in the other person's profile or message other than a photo. In fact, you may want to reflect upon why you are engaging in a conversation at all! OK, it may well be the photo that drew you in but this is your opportunity to discover more about the person before divulging your life story to them or committing to a first date!

Be courteous and keep it clean!

It's (dangerously!) easy to let rip with your thoughts, desires and fantasies over the internet. So, do take a moment to think about keeping things back until you meet the person in person. For example you will probably come across as a lot more attractive if you avoid being overtly sexual; gentle hints and flirting are likely to be more inviting. A good rule of thumb is to read back to yourself what you have written and then ask yourself a question: would I really say this if I was in front of the person now? If you cannot answer that with a confident yes, don't write it!

How do I let the person down?

It seems this is the most challenging of all responses to send - especially for us in the UK (Well, that is my experience anyway!)

Let's start with being kind to ourselves. You really don't have to respond in detail to every message or flirt you receive. This is especially important to remember in the first few days when you are likely to receive more interest as a new member. It is perfectly acceptable to send a short response such as “Thanks for your message but I don't feel we are a good match. Good luck in your search!”

Indeed with flirts, if you are not interested, there is no need to respond. That is the whole point of flirting; just like a glance across a bar.

If someone persists in writing again, despite your polite “no thanks”, it is probably best to simply ignore this. However, if this continues and you feel at all uncomfortable, simply block that person from contacting you by clicking on the button alongside their profile. Do avoid doing this as a first line response as it can leave the other person feeling harshly rejected.

Things can feel a little more complex after corresponding for a while and then changing your mind. Remember, this is the whole point of corresponding in the first place. So, simply let the other person know in the same courteous way as mentioned above. Something like “It's been good getting to know you better but I don't feel we are a good match. I wish you well.” Avoid (unless you really want to) offering to remain in contact as friends; this may be misinterpreted as a possibility of something more developing. You are likely to setting yourself up for a more difficult task further down the line.

Above all, don't simply cut off the correspondence. Even if you say that you are dating someone else as a way of letting the person down gently.

By Dominic James