In the aftermath of Tiger Woods’ somewhat cringing public apology, the debate over the existence of “sex addiction” has once again surfaced. Whether such an “illness” exists or not, there seems little doubt that many gay men and women adopt sexual behaviours that leave them feeling ashamed. This article highlights the possible emotional causes and consequences of such compulsions.

• Sex addiction can lead to feelings of shame, guilt and isolation
• You are not alone; there is help out there!
• Addictive sexual behaviour may serve as a coping strategy for anxiety
• The gay community suffers from addictive behaviour as a result of cultural pressures
• There is a big debate as to whether sex addiction even exists

In writing this article I am only too conscious of the danger of pathologising gay sexual thoughts and behaviour; this is far from my intention. I feel strongly that society (and therefore we) does a good enough job of that already, thank you! If your sexual behaviours take up more time, energy and focus than you would like, this article may be of interest to you...it may be that you are in the throes of sexual addiction.

For a lot of gay men and women, healthy sex is an integral aspect of life. Sex with partners or indeed with self is usually a pleasurable act of choice. In the case of sex addiction however, sexual behaviour is driven, compulsive (i.e. no choice) and hidden. Sex addicts use sex as a means to cope, to handle boredom, anxiety and other negative feelings or as a way to boost self esteem or feelings of control. In fact, sex addiction is not describing a particular act, it is defined by the feelings and consequences associated with the act.

As with other addictions, sex addicts are often unable to make and keep commitments to themselves and others and most sex addicts - whether they will admit to it or not - have longstanding problems with relationships and intimacy. Of course, this may be the cause of, or a result of the addictive behaviour. Sex addicts often talk of overwhelming intensity when preparing to sexually “act out”, describing themselves as being “in a bubble” or trance-like state. Most psychologists agree that the key features distinguishing sex addiction from healthy sexual behaviour are a lack of control over the behaviour and persistence of the behaviour despite significant negative consequences.

Indeed, because of the harmful consequences, there is an accompanying persistent desire to stop the behaviour, but to no avail and, ultimately, a person with a sex addiction gains little satisfaction from the sexual activity and struggles or fails to form intimate bonds with his or her partners.

So, as I talk about sex addiction, I am referring to behaviour and thinking that becomes compulsive, obsessive and risky to one’s emotional and physical safety. The result of which is feeling cut off from loved ones, guilt, shame and further need to act out in the same way to relieve the feelings; a vicious circle. Examples of this would include: excessive use of internet porn; compulsively seeking new and different sexual partners; risky exhibitionism; risky voyeurism; compulsive masturbation In fact, most research indicates that driving this behaviour is a high propensity for risk-taking. Such risk taking seems to deliver a shot of chemicals to the brain which, it is argued, are deficient in the sex addict (or in higher demand, when compared to the average individual). These chemicals, such as Dopamine, enhance mood. The greater the risk, the more of these chemicals is released. Here’s the sting: the brain gets used to this level of chemical and needs more and more simply to maintain levels of wellbeing. Without such boosts, anxiety and depression result.

To this mix, add negative beliefs and shame about one’s self based on internalised homophobia, low self-esteem, poor body image (see my article “We’re anti-fat”), and you become vulnerable to a sexual addiction. Acting out becomes a very effective way of numbing oneself from the daily trials of life: relationships! The problem is (of course) that it is never a true escape, the original anxieties and challenges are still there waiting for us. But now we have an additional layer of anxiety – that caused by our fear about how our sexual behaviour conflicts with our own beliefs and standards.

Of course, it is fascinating to think about what might differentiate those with a propensity for sex addiction from the rest. Much has been written around the neurological differences, genetic inheritance and sociological factors. I will not attempt to cover these here. However, I am certain that simply being within a gay culture that promotes promiscuity more than straight culture does is a significant factor; freedom has a price! Significantly, in researching this article and using Google, most of the search results led me to sites promoting porn or immediate hook-ups for sex!

Now, the question that leaps out is "If this applies to me and I’ve had enough, what can I do about it?" Well, I am no expert but here are some options to consider:

• Stop before you next act out and have a go at writing down what you were feeling/doing just before the compulsion hit; the acting out may be serving some purpose in numbing some underlying fear. Identify that and you may have a chance of dealing with it and creating choice
• Seek help from a professional expert, either through your GP or through an appropriate professional body such as The British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy
• Talk to your partner or a trusted friend about your problem (this breaks the cycle of secrecy and shame)
• Attend a meeting of one of the many self-help anonymous fellowships such as Sex Addicts Anonymous or Sexaholics Anonymous
• Do some reading of self help books. There are many on the market but here is my suggestion: Cruise Control – Understanding Sex Addiction by Robert Weiss

In conclusion, as I reflect on this issue I am struck by just how much debate there is as to whether there is even such a phenomenon as sex addiction; it may be simply a symptom of some other problem or it is too broad a label to account for the myriad behaviours contained within it. Which brings me to conclude that whatever you may feel about whether the label is helpful or not, the true test of whether it is an area of your life you wish (or need) to focus on is: does my behaviour leave me feeling shameful, isolated or at risk and have I tried to stop unsuccessfully? If you answer yes to this question, you may well want to do something about it.

By Dominic James