Dominic James discusses the link between keeping his sexuality a secret during adolescence, and his difficulty with sex and relationships today.
- How keeping sexuality a secret affects self-esteem
- Growing up gay in the 70’s meant keeping a “dark secret”
- Did the lack of peer discussion during puberty affect capacity to forge relationships?
- Is life any easier for gay adolescents today?
It is only now, at nearly 46 years of age, that I am realising just how much I missed out on the normal adolescence that my straight counterparts benefitted from. The simple fact is that I often feel wholly ill-equipped to deal with relationships and sex; it’s as if I missed out on some important lessons in “how to live as a sexual being”.
You see, just as I was starting to develop sexual feelings, I also realised that it was not safe to discuss these with family and friends. Let alone act upon them. So, I went through my whole adolescence holding on to these secret desires and fantasies - as if they were some dreadful, dark secret.
At the same time (I am sure), my straight friends were able to openly discuss, explore and act upon their sexual drives. All the time feeling pretty safe and good about who they were growing into.
In other words, whilst my straight friends developed a healthy sense of who they were (sexually) and a resilient sense of self esteem, I didn’t. In fact, with the benefit of hindsight, I can see that I developed the idea that sex must be bad; that any relationship with another man must be bad.
I now believe that this negative view of sex has been pretty well embedded into my Psyche. This combined with a lack of parental and peer support (during puberty), in the area of same-sex relations, has left me having to learn how to deal with and develop healthy and happy intimate relationships late in life. It’s very hard.
Having said all this, I don’t mean to paint a picture of hopelessness. Despite all the difficulties, I have enjoyed a number of meaningful relationships. It’s just that, as I look back, I realise that I have had to learn a lot “on the hoof” and have only recently developed a sense of what I want from (and what I can give to) a potential partner. And, I am not sure that I will ever completely shed the underlying negativity towards gay sex that was borne out of going through adolescence in the 70’s and 80’s.
I wonder how different things are for a gay or lesbian adolescent today. My guess is that it is better, but still fraught with difficulties.
So, I am going to embrace my mid-life adolescence and look forward to learning how to “do sex and relationships better”!
Do let me know your thoughts on this, whether you are in your teens or in retirement!
What are people saying about this Hot topic?
1 January 2012 Comment 9
Completely agree! I went to an inner city single sex secondary school in London and the constant comments everyone made about each other being a poof, queer etc. meant that I didnt have the nerve to come out until I was 26. Am sure that those older than me *+(such as the writer of this article) have had a worse time of it. It was an embarrassment to be gay. Now I'm out I still keep it to myself as its only a part of my make-up and I dont want to be "typecast" by people
23 January 2011 Comment 8
to follow up on my last comment i dont agree with being judged because of sexuality we are who we are and no one can change that, my dad knows im gay but it doesnt bother him it's telling my mum thats the problem as i said people can judge if they want but they wont change me, all people have to remember is gays are just as equal as anyone else and deserve the same treatment as everyone else no one can tell us who to love and what to do with our lives
10 December 2010 Comment 7
I certainly agree it's easier for adolescents to admit to there sexuality now, There's so much more talk about homosexuality in mags, books and on the tv.
i came out 10 years ago but i was so scared of telling my parents. i was worried they'd dis own me, it certainly didn't help growing up in a village or in the pub trade.
I certainly feel homosexuality is more accepted and alot more understood now than it was even 10 yr ago. But there is still the stigmata that follows 'being gay'.
5 December 2010 Comment 6
I was scared when I realised I was gay because my family has had a bad experience when it comes to being gay. I was low on self esteem in my early teens and I hated myself because I couldn't admit who I was and I still can't to the my mother. I believe its truly depends on what kind of person you are. I struggled with the idea of being gay because of my parents would say but my dad was supportive but I don't know about my mam. I have embraced who I am and I'm now more confident.
28 November 2010 Comment 5
I totlay undersatand this as i'm 19 now and iv'e just recently told my parents and a few of my friends theyv'e all excepted me apart from my parents who think i'm to young to make a life changing dission i'm not aloud to speak of it in the house, my mum wont say the 'L' word and they don't want anything to do with this side of me. I guess i started feeling like this in high school but I wasn't sure what to make of it.I daren't tell my class mates or the people i work with they won't understand.
16 November 2010 Comment 4
i can agree with this article because i feel like i missed out on my teen years due to the peer presure i had to be stright. i thought that if i told people that my friends would not associate with me any more. i am no out after telling everyone at the age of 25 and i have now excepted it and started to shake all the negative ideas of. i still have a bit to learn but im sure i will get there and have a relationship at some stage
7 November 2010 Comment 3
i understand what your saying i was out in my teens and it wasnt easy as i had so much crap to deal with i lost almost all of my friends alot of my so called mates couldnt handle being mates with me .i often wonder how my life would be different now if i hadnt come out so early i wouldnt wish my recent life on anyone ive been drove to the point of suicide several times is it me or is life harder when your single and gay?
17 October 2010 Comment 2
I agree to as there is alot of judgemental people out there who think being gay is a crime when it's not i was scared of coming out at first but made the choice of doing so last christmas, the only people im scared of telling are my parents as they are homophobic and hate the idea of being gay ,i did hide away from society for a while because of this but i have learned to live with it and im not going to change for anyone im proud to be gay
1 October 2010 Comment 1
I can totally identify with what you're saying. I also feel like I missed out on some important development in my teenage years and felt so negative about being gay, I was withdrawn and distant as a teenager, I didn't come out till I was 25. I think it depends on the type of person you are, some people embrace being gay and don't care what other people may think of them, while others struggle to fully accept it and shake of all those negative ideas.
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