Our dating and relationship expert, April, offers lesbians 5 tips on developing lasting and intimate relationships beyond the first date.

• Consider and share goals for your home
• Discuss how to reconcile your interests with hers
• Celebrate the ways her strengths compliment yours
• Accept and discuss how your sexual cravings differ
• Christmas with her family or yours?!

So many singles, whether lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender or straight, start their romantic relationships with chemistry. Chemistry in a romantic relationship is, of course, essential, thank you very much.

However, when you are looking to attract, create, and nurture a life partner relationship, there is so much more involved.

Many couples will get to the next phase of a relationship right after that wonderful infatuation stage (caused by chemistry) has passed. And because they didn’t do any relationship communication foundation building, they hit a wall, find there is no other mode of communication in their relationship, and, sadly, they break up. There is that wonderful joke from the 1980s about what does the modern lesbian bring on her first date to make it just perfect? Answer: A U-Haul (For the English reader, this is a transit van in the US, used for home removals)!

But, after the first surge of chemistry and sparks on your first few dates, what other topics do you want to look to discuss and investigate to form a lasting life partner love relationship?

Living Environment

What kind of living environment do you have now, and what kind of living environment do you want in the near future – next 10 years?

Maybe you live in a city centre apartment. However, your vision and goal is to own a townhouse and to move to the suburbs. Is her vision to live further out in the country? Discuss these things, and talk about your dreams to see if they are aligned.

Most often, frankly, two singles’ visions will be a bit different. This is not a “sign” that you should break up and never build a deeper relationship. Instead, it offers you both an opportunity to communicate and dig a bit further to see if your lives could become aligned. Maybe part of what she values about living in the country is some acreage and a garden, and you two could have that together in a small house rather than a townhouse.

Lifestyle

You love Opera and hold an annual subscription while she has a secret love of Country & Western music and sings karaoke once a month down at the pub. On the surface, ok, this is amusing and funny. You might think that your tastes are highly divergent. However, what you two do share is a mutual love of singing and music.

You would have to work things out a bit. Does she want you to join her monthly at the pub? Couldn’t you do that and just have a fun time, cheer her on, and applaud as her #1 fan? And do you want her to accompany you maybe only 4 times a year at the Opera as your favorite escort to the Opening Night Gala, and you go with a group of Opera loving friends the other times?

Finances

Differing talents and strengths do attract. She might be a Chartered Accountant (CPA if you’re in The States) with significant structure, strategy, and system, while you take a more laissez-faire approach. In all likelihood, she adores how you contribute a sense of fun and adventure to her life while she adds some structure and is a good sounding board, helping you to say “No” to yourself a bit more than you otherwise would. These sort of differences the two of you do need to discuss. You also need to discuss differences in income, investing, pensions, and retirement plans.

Just because there are differences, those need not be points for breaking up. Rather they can serve to become points for deepening your relationship for lasting emotional intimacy on top of that marvelous physical chemistry intimacy you two share.

Intimacy

1 in 4 women has had some kind of physical sexual abuse when they were younger. Also, everyone’s desire and craving for physical intimacy varies. You might really want it daily or more frequently while your partner desires full-bore intimacy a few times a week.

The frequency of your intimacy is important to discuss and talk about. Just because you are physically attracted to each other does not necessarily mean that you will magically and mystically want intimacy at the same pace and frequency as each other. Nor are your differences in desire some mystical sign you two are not “meant” to be together. Intimacy waxes and wanes. Women’s hormonal cycles affect desire as well. And over a lifetime together there are normal illnesses like the stomach bugs, influenza bouts, the common cold, peri-menopause, menopause, benign ovarian cysts and so many other health issues which are part of life which you will face together.

Building your ability, your romantic vocabulary, and personal mutual comfort levels about discussing these topics and working out mutually beneficial agreements now is excellent practice and foundation building for a lifetime of love together.

Family

Welcome to the 21st century. The catch phrase, “Yours, Mine, and Ours” is no longer just the title of a sweet Hollywood movie starring Lucille Ball and Henry Fonda. There is your family, extended family, and community of friends, and your partner’s family, extended family, and circle of friends. Do either or both of you have children already, the fruit of prior relationships? Are there any shared custody issues to consider, mesh, and work-out? And also do the two of you desire to have children together? Are you two wanting one or both of you to physically have children? Or do you desire to adopt children? These are all points to surface, and a few of them you should even gently lob into the air within the first few dates.

How do you envision spending special occasion holidays? What about your annual holiday time (aka “vacation” if you’re from The States) or long weekends? Many of these topics you will each have an initial different vision than the other.

Maybe your partner is part of a large extended family that always celebrates Christmas for days. While you have a small family unit and you celebrate birthdays annually yet on a smaller scale. Each of those celebrations may be terribly important to each of you. You want to find mutual agreements which work for each of you.

And you also want to leave things open to a little experimentation over time. “Honey, last year I know we spent Christmas with your family and it was wonderful. However this year I really want to get away for a few days just with you. Is there some way we can do that?” I’m being so specific because that stimulates the brain to come up with your wants and don’t wants and ways you would articulate them that is in keeping with you; your voice. It is just a starter.

There is so much for couples to discuss and communicate about to building lasting intimacy. These 5 tips and topics should serve you well to creating a lifetime of love together.

By April Braswell
Dating and Relationship Expert
www.AprilBraswell.com
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