“Patricia”, a 69 year-old mother and divorcee, shares her experience of the coming out of her eldest son and husband.

• Frank responses give insight into what it’s like for “the other”
• “I felt numb, kicked in the stomach”
• Husband had been treated for being gay
• Knowing the truth enabled friendship to flourish
• Early signs? “I wish he didn’t walk like that.”

What was you first reaction to your son/husband telling you he was gay?
Son: Shock and fear at first. I was willing it not to be what I was hearing. All I could think about were the difficulties that lay ahead for him. I didn’t want him to face those difficulties or prejudices.
Husband: Initially numb, kicked in the stomach. I had not recovered from my son telling me and I felt that I could not react any more. But then relief. We had relationship problems and maybe I saw that as the reason. Later I asked question after question after question after question.

How did they tell you? Where were you?
S: In the kitchen, he had come home from university for the weekend. He told me he had something to tell me, then asked me to guess what it was. I thought he had made a girl pregnant and I told him I could not guess and that he had to tell me. His face was ashen and I could see what a terribly hard thing it was for him. I felt desperately sorry for him. He then told me he had joined this club and he thought I would then know which club. At this point I think I was beginning to comprehend but I made him say it. It was a Gay Society.
H: In bed. I honestly cannot remember the details, only how I felt: numb. He said he was telling me because we knew about our son and he felt he could not go on being dishonest any more.

Who did you speak to first?
S: His father, who was away. I really don’t think he said much (which I can now understand!)
H: I am not sure I think it was the psychiatrist I was seeing at the time because of the marriage difficulties. He was very helpful, helping me to understand the effect the news was bound to have had on me.

What were your views on homosexuality prior to your son coming out?
S & H: In some ways, I was lucky. I had met many Gay people in the theatre many of whom were good friends. I believe that I like people for who they are not because of their sexuality. I mix and see people who have similar interests and with whom I have a rapport. Their sexuality has nothing to do with it. So, I guess I had not given it too much thought.

Have your views changed since then?
S & H: No

Were you surprised when your son told you?
S: Yes, I had no idea!
H: I don’t think so. I had known my husband for 6 weeks when he told me it was important for him to establish a sexual relationship. I was of the era when you were both frightened and there was very little birth control, no pill then. Naively I said I was only doing that with my future husband...at which point he proposed!! I agreed and we were engaged. We had relations on a handful of occasions using what was obviously a system that failed as 12 weeks later I found I was pregnant.
When we came back from our honeymoon he told me he had something to tell me. It was that he had been under a doctor as he had problems relating to women (I was not aware that I knew any gay people at that time and thought to myself, Oh my god I have married a “Queer”) I have to add that we were really good friends and I was in love with him. I just put it all to the back of my mind.

Looking back, what were the clues?
S: The only one I remember clearly was how awkward he appeared to be when he was with a girl he was supposed to be going out with - a sort of lack of intimacy.
H: I remember watching him walking down the street and thinking to myself, “I wish he didn’t walk like that.”
He got on too well with women. Ironically, this caused me a lot of unnecessary jealousy, other men weren’t like that.
The other thing was his apparent insecurity. He later told me how he felt like a cheat as he was dishonest

In hindsight, was there a better way for them to have told you?
S: I wish he had felt able to tell me earlier, although I can clearly see why he left it until he was at university.
H: Yes. I would like to have been told in the beginning and been given a choice. Who knows how things would have turned out?

How much do you feel responsible for your son's sexuality?
S: From all that I have read, it was not because of me, it is how he was born. I asked the Psychiatrist I was referred to and at that time he told me there were no findings that could explain, just many theories.
H: None. I do, however, believe that it was not just the fact of my husband's sexuality that caused the break up of our marriage.

What do you like most about your son or husband's sexuality?
S & H: That it has enabled us to remain really good friends and enjoy each others’ company.

What are your biggest regrets about your son and husband’s sexuality?
S: That it has caused him difficulty; also that he is HIV+ which has affected his life and health. Although I know you can be heterosexual and HIV+, but the risk is much lower.
H: That he did not accept it when he was young. That the doctor he went to was happy to treat him to “be cured”. This doctor was an eminent child psychiatrist who was regularly seen on TV in the late 50’s and later went to California.

Are there people you have chosen not to tell in the past? Why was this? What was your fear?
S: At first I only told people I felt were sympathetic. I also was aware that in certain societies there is a lot of prejudice and I suppose I felt I was protecting my son as I wanted him to be liked and not treated as different. I think I tell anyone now when it arises.
H: I don’t think I had any problems with this as it was the perfect explanation for our marriage breaking up. Only with my father, who I did try to keep it from due to his age and health. I thought he did not need to know. As he kept on asking why, I eventually told him, to which he replied, “That’s a tricky one, how old are you?” (I was 44) and then suggested that if I held on for another 10 years things would be fine!

What advice would you give to a son or daughter considering coming out to their parents?
S: Discuss it with them as soon as possible. Give them the opportunity to ask you questions. Be clear with yourself as to why you are telling them. Speak to people you trust first. If you feel they would not accept it go for help/advice through doctor, helpline, counsellor.