This is one man's story of coming out. He's now middle-aged and has had time to reflect on what coming out means to him, and why it's only part of the process.

• Making the decision to come out was relatively painless, but telling his family was a challenge
• Coming out doesn't change everything, you still need to learn to love who you are
• Things have changed for the better, there are helplines, groups and initiatives to support young people
• Share your story with us

The more I talk to others about the experience of coming out, the more I realise that we all have a unique experience; some wonderful, some awful, some a bit of an anti-climax. Here is my story.

It’s funny now, looking back. It seems I approached the whole thing in an emotional void, as if I was tackling a project at work or school. I was 18 years old and I had just ended my one and only straight relationship. I was reading the Prospectus for Lancaster University during my summer holidays and came to the section on Societies. It was there that I saw “Gaysoc”. I was thrilled to read about other people being gay and, as far as I recall, this was the first time I had thought about coming out. I had read about homosexuality before. This was in the books my mum had bought me at age 13 (after being caught with straight porn magazines in my bedroom; no internet in those days!), but had bottled up any thoughts about how this related to me.

So, here I was, about to go away to University. I made a very conscious decision that on my arrival at Uni I would start life with my new friends as a gay man. Then, I would return home at Christmas and announce the news to my friends and family. It all felt very straight forward. On the outside, it was.

I found it exciting to tell my new friends at Uni and it made me feel very special, interesting. Everyone responded very positively. I went along to my first Gaysoc meeting feeling incredibly nervous. I don’t think I knew why I was going, or what I should expect; thinking about it now, I’d say that more than anything I wanted to feel less alone. Anyway, I hated it! They were all talking about protests (this was in the early 80’s) and being very camp, and I was just not ready for all that.

Looking back, I am amazed that I went through all this on my own. I didn’t think of asking anyone for support, it never crossed my mind to call a helpline. The truth is, I was quite lonely and scared – despite all the bravado. At least I had achieved the first part of my plan. Now Christmas was here and I was set on sharing my news with family and friends at home.

The memory of telling mum is as vivid in my mind as if it were yesterday. We were sat at opposite ends of the dining room table. I announced that I had something to tell her, something she may not approve of. I wanted her to guess, to say the words for me, because I couldn’t say it. Despite all the preparation, despite planning this for months, I just clammed up. Eventually, I said it…well, kind of! I never actually said the words “I am gay” but she finally understood. She responded very positively. She said that she still loved me but was worried for me, would I be OK? I truly had no sense of what was ahead of me, but I reassured her that I was fine and everything would work out.

I asked Mum to tell Dad (who was away with work) when he called and to tell my younger brothers. She did this and reported back that they had taken it very well. My brothers were 16 and 14 at the time, so it can’t have been easy, especially as this was back in the early 80’s. My Dad came to talk with me on his return. He asked if I was OK and whether I was sure I wanted to be at University. He was concerned I was making choices to fit in. I didn’t understand at the time, but with hindsight I get completely what he meant; it took many years for me to realise how much of my life had been, and continued to be, a bit of an act.

Although from that day onward I have led a pretty openly gay life, I am increasingly aware that for many years prior to, and following coming out, I felt very lonely and isolated with my feelings. You see, coming out didn’t solve everything for me; it didn’t make it all OK. I didn’t have a clue about how I really felt about my sexuality, relationships, sex etc. It is one thing telling people you are gay, it is quite another dealing with it internally.

Along the way I have experienced a number of relationships - some happy, some less so. It has taken me until now (middle-aged!) to begin to come to terms with who I am and to start talking about the feelings involved. I think I created huge pressure on myself to look as if everything was OK, to convince myself and others that I was happy.

I hope that today, in the UK, things are different for young people coming out. I hope people feel it is OK to ask for help; to say when they are struggling or feeling scared. I love the idea that there are initiatives such as It Gets Better. Such forums provide a feeling that “we are not alone” and there is a way through some of the darker, more lonely moments.

In writing this, I can’t help reflect that my experience of coming out is pretty unremarkable and lacking in much trauma. Well, maybe it is and I am lucky. For me, of course, it felt momentous and I am so pleased I took the big step. I am very grateful that those around me, my family and friends, proved to be so enlightened. I appreciate this is not going to be everyone’s story. I would love to hear how your experience compares - whether you have come out or not. Do add to the discussion below...